The Letter
by hollie-x
Summary: Brendan can't let Steven go through with the wedding, so decides to write him a love letter to tell him how he really feels.
1. Chapter One

**Brendan decides to write Ste Hay a letter to tell him how he ****_really_**** feels about him. Never one for a lot of words, Brendan felt it was better this way.**

I remember the first time I met you and I have to admit I fancied you straight away. Those eyes, those bright blue eyes greeting me with a welcoming smile, piercing through to my heart. I've never been in love before, not properly anyway, just in lust, but it's different with you. You do something that I believe nobody else can. You make me feel free and light, like I belong on this planet.

The first time we kissed, I have to confess I wasn't expecting it. I honestly didn't think somebody as sexy and amazing as you would actually want to be near me, let alone feel something for me. I reacted the way I did because I felt like you deserved better than somebody like me. I'm dangerous and people around me aren't safe in anyway possible. After I told you to get out I felt awful. I didn't want to shout at you but we were both drunk and if we did anything else that night I guess I thought you would blame me or yourself even and then we wouldn't be friends anymore. I love your presence, you were one of the few people in my life I would have class as my friend. Usually I would have classed Cheryl or Lynsey as my friends, but I felt like you joined that category and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I still don't.

The day in the cellar when things got a little naughty was just, just perfect. You are perfect. Everytime that I felt you in my arms I felt special. I felt like the luckiest man in the world that you actually liked me. When things got heated and we finally succombed and slept together, well I've got to admit I loved it. I love making love to you, feeling your warm body on mine and I'm not gonna lie - I'd love to experience that feeling again of being with you again. You're different than other people I've been with. You are special and I love you for that. I love you for being you. I love you for being Steven Hay.

I'm honestly sorry for all the things I've ever done to you. I regret everything. I regret hitting you, beating you, hurting you both physically and mentally. I regret denying my feelings for you to others. It was fine when we was alone, I know that. Yet, as soon as somebody else came into the equation, whether it be Amy, Cheryl or Eileen I completely froze. I've had this front of being a straight man who loves women for so long now and I suppose I wasn't ready to let that persona go. But I've changed now. I'm ready. I've faced by demons and I've faced the fact that I was the most evilest and disgusting human known to man. There's no excuse for what I put you through and I'm not trying to defend my actions whatsoever but I now know that I'm gay. I've accepted it. I'll understand if you literally never want to speak to me again. I understand if you leave me to rot in the gutter, because I would do that if I was you. I was horrible and repulsive.

You might wonder why I'm writing this letter? Well the truth is I've got nothing good left in my life. I'm no good with admitting my feelings face to face, I stutter like fuck; wouldn't make a good public speaker would I? Well basically the point of this letter, Steven, is to say that I love you. I love you okay? In honest truth I've never really stopped. Seeing you with Douglas is like ripping my heart out of my body and cutting it up to a million pieces. I don't like declaring that I'm jealous of an American [I love my country] but I am. I want to be Douglas. I want to wake up every morning and see you lying next to me with your morning hair. The messiest hair I've seen in my life. I want to run my fingers through your it and kiss your soft lips whenever I can. I want to spend every minute of the day with you, even if that does mean I have to make panini's with your weird and wonderful fillings that I've never heard of inside. I want to be in Leah and Lucas' lives too, because they are a little part of you. Anything that is remotely anything to do with you, I feel something for. Those children are amazing, they are the luckiest kids in the world to have you as a dad and you as an influence in their lives.

I'm asking you not to marry Doug, pleading I suppose. It's your life and it's obviously your decision but I just don't think - well actually I know- that Doug doesn't feel even half of what I feel for you. You are in my head 24/7, Steven, you never leave my brain. I sit there sometimes and just wonder what you are doing, just hoping you are thinking about me aswell. I dream about you almost every night, some are amazing dreams that I hope I get the chance to become a reality. We go on holiday, we go to the cinema and sit on the back row, we're sitting in the pub enjoying a cold pint of Guiness.

I hope that you believe everything that you're reading right now. You literally mean the world to me. My life isn't worth living if you aren't in it. I love you Steven, I really, really do and I hope you feel the same way. Please don't marry him, just be with me. Please.

B x


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

Brendan slid the letter underneath Steven's door, only then did it dawn on him here wasn't a name on the envelope. Oh god! What if Doug opened it? He had to knock, he had to knock and make sure the letter was in the hands of the rightful owner.

*Knock knock*

Opening the door Ste wasn't in the best of moods, after having another eventful argument with Doug the night before. Doug had stormed off and stayed at his mate's house. They argued alot now days, over stupid little things. Normal couples would sort them out within minutes but not Ste and Doug. Oh no, Doug had to drag his arguments out good and proper and Ste was very stubborn and didn't feel like he had any reason to apologise. Heavenly relationship right?

'Thank fuck!' Brendan shouted.

'Erm hi Brendan?' Ste said, dressed only in his dressing gown

'Ste there's a letter on the floor there alright? Read it then find or ring me? Whatever is easiest for you.'

'What is it?'

'A letter, I'm not saying what about. It's important. Only for your eyes, don't let Doug see it'

'If it's that important you can wait can't you? Doug's not here.' Ste was intrigued now, you could hear it in his voice.

'No, better not. Best if I'm not here while you read it'

'You're worrying me now Brendan, are you evicting us or? Ste was generally petrified. What was so bad that Brendan literally refused to be there when the envelope was teared open?

'No, not that...'

Before Brendan could finish his sentence, Ste had grabbed him by his arm into the flat and threw him onto the sofa.

'Take a seat and I'll make us a brew and read this little note you wrote me. Feel like a pen pal I do'

Wow he wasn't expecting that. Steven was stronger than he remembered. Two years ago he wouldn't have even dared to do that. Ste was scrawny back that, but he must have been working out or he wouldn't have got Brendan in the flat so quick. Oh god. Brendan had to sit here and listen to Ste read it. His love letter to Ste. This was so awkward for him, he wanted to shrivel up and die.

* * *

'Here's ya brew. And Brendan?'

Brendan looked up and stared at Ste, glaring into his eyes.

'It's pointless keep looking at the door, it's locked your not going anywhere.' Ste said letting out a evil smile.

God, Ste looked so hot when he was demanding. He had this little wrinkle on his forehead when he was playing along and it was slowly rising. His dressing gown barely covered his midriff. Brendan was staring, more or less staring into Steven's soul. Then he was back to reality. This was so embarassing. And now was the moment he dreaded. Steven ripped open the envelope and stared at it's contents. Steven wasn't the fastest reader on the planet, what with his dyslexia and everything so Brendan knew he was going to be here a while so he placed his head in his hands.

'Dear Ste I remember the first time I met you and I have to admit I fancied you st...Brendan what is this? Are you playing games with me?! ...Straight away. Those eyes, those bright blue eyes greeting me with a welcoming smile piercing through my heart...'

'Steven can I go?

'I've never been in love before, not properly anyway, just in lust but it's different with you..'

'Steven you don't have to read it out loud...'

'YES I DO! What is this Brendan?!'

Brendan walked over to the front door. 'My feelings. My feelings splattered on the paper. Steven give me the key to the door please'

Ste had darted his eyes down the page, missing out a few words.

'...Well basically the point of this letter Steven is to say I love you. I love you okay. In honest truth I've never really stopped.

Brendan hadn't even turned round. He was just face to face with the front door.

'Brendan. You love me? Is this serious'

'Yep'

'I'm jealous of Douglas. I want to wake up every morning and see you lying next to me...wait... Your jealous of Doug? What the fuck is this Brendan? ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR PATHETIC GAMES? WHEN THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA GET IT INTO THAT THICK, STUPID, IRISH SKULL OF YOURS?' Ste's voice had noticely gone up a notch, he was literally shouting into Brendan's neck.

Brendan turned round. Now was his time to be brave. It was now or never. Either tell Ste how you really feel, how you want to publicly love him, how you crave him every minute of the day or walk out and never come back again.

'This was a mistake.. Can I go please?'

Ste strolled over to the kitchen, still staring at the letter. He was deliberately going the slowest pace he could just to make Brendan just that little bit more uncomfortable. He picked up the key then he turned round and ran to him, staring him straight in the face. 'I LOVE DOUG. I NEVER LOVED YOU. NEVER. I PLAYED YOU IN JUNE REMEMBER? BECAUSE I. LOVE. DOUG. OKAY? GET THAT?

Brendan felt very uncomfortable. Ste was literally right infront of his face. His lips were centimetres away from his. He couldn't resist anymore. Brendan took the back of Ste's neck and pushed his lips to his and silently whispered... 'You keep telling yourself that, you keep telling yourself that Steven..'

Brendan then took the key from Ste's hand and went to put it into the lock.

'Wait...'


	3. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**

'Wait? Wait for what Steven? For you? I've been waiting months for you. I've helped you for months. I brought your flat so you wouldn't be homeless. I was gonna take a bullet for you remember and you know why? Cos I love ye. Now let go me home..' Brendan said as he finally put the key in the lock. Turning round he looked Ste straight in the eyes who was in sheer shock. 'You can read the rest of that letter if you want, or go and shag Doug if you want. Up to you your life. I've had enough, I've tried and that's all I can do. Goodbye Steven.'

Steven went to respond but it was too late, Brendan had left his flat. Did he mean goodbye? What did goodbye even mean? Brendan was right though, he had just been telling himself he loved Doug. It was true he guessed he did love Doug, but he wasn't _in love_ with him as you're meant to be with a fiancé. He loved him as a mate, somebody he could talk and cuddle with, but not somebody he could see himself with in twenty years time. He didn't even know why he had accepted his proposal, it was the wrong thing to do, and completely the wrong timing. Who the hell splatters 'Marry me?' over the wall anyway? The more he thought about it, the more he realised why he did say yes in the first place. Doug had gone to all that trouble, some sort of planning and then getting his hopes up that Ste would beam with happiness and say yes. What sort of person would that make Ste if he made Doug's life crash down and burn by rejecting him? Ste wasn't that bloke anymore, he hated seeing people in pain.

Looking through his phone Ste noticed Doug still hadn't text him. What if he had gone out, got drunk and picked up another bloke? He didn't seem too upset that this could be a possibility, his mind was playing games with him. Did he want Brendan? His stomach tied in knots at the thought of him, he always got butterflies when he saw Brendan's smile then the caterpillar on top of it which he liked to call a moustache. A very well groomed moustache infact. Ste smiled to himself, he always did when he thought of Brendan. Sure some things with Brendan he would like to forget, but he knew that he wasn't that same man anymore. He'd changed. Changed for the better.

'I LOVE DOUG. I NEVER LOVED YOU. NEVER. I PLAYED YOU IN JUNE REMEMBER? BECAUSE I LOVE DOUG.' Literally one part of that sentence was true, the fact he had played Brendan in June, but this wasn't because he loved Doug. This was because Ste didn't want Brendan to control him anymore. He wanted something in his life he could call his and he didn't want to share it. He didn't want Brendan to own it and he didn't want Doug to earn 50%. He wanted the deli to be his own, his own little thing he had worked on from the start.

* * *

Three hours had passed since Brendan had left and Ste had read the letter at least ten times. He more or less knew every word off by heart now and it still made him smile. He loved the fact Brendan had admitted he still loved Ste, he loved the banter he still had admitting that he is literally the worst public speaker, he loved the mention of Ste's morning hair. Brendan had always loved Ste's morning hair, he said it reminded them of the fun they'd had the night before. Rough and ready he liked to say. Diverting his attention from the amazing sex he used to have he read the letter again. He hadn't noticed before but the words were staring him in the face now... 'but I now know that I am gay. I've accepted it...'

*Beep beep*

Ste looked down to his phone, he was never the sort of boy who liked these whacky ringtones he just liked the phone to vibrate in his pocket. There was nothing more embarrasing than being in a shop and the voice of Rihanna or Britney starts singing out of the device. It always used to wind Brendan up that did, never answering his phone because he couldn't feel it vibrating in his pocket. There he was again. Brendan in his head.

_'You don't love me do you?' _The text was from Doug. How the hell do you reply to a text like that? He knew things weren't working out with Doug. Last night he'd literally shouted in Ste's face that he didn't want pink flowers. Who acts like that seriously? Whether he wanted Brendan or whether he didn't, he knew Doug wasn't right for him. They were too similar in ways. Both of average height, both bright blue eyes, both loved cooking. Sometimes opposites were better suited.

_'Not as I'm meant to. No. You shout at me for no reason, you hate me I swear you do. That's how you act. It's not working Doug it never has actually. We see eachother too much and that makes every single little thing you do annoy me. Leave me alone please. From now on, don't contact me again. Oh and for the record when Brendan signed the deli back over to us a few months back it wasn't to US.'_

Reading the text back Ste knew he shouldn't have been so mean, it wasn't Dougs fault. He was knew to all the relationship stuff, all of the weird looks in the village when you were holding hands. He was taking his anger out on Ste in a way. He'd started the text off nicely, but how can you break up with somebody 'nicely' that gets on your fucking nerves every minute of the day? Somebody who's every little action grates on you? You can't.

_'Okay'._ That is literally all Doug texted back. One worded texts, nothing worse is there Ste thought to himself.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Ste looked at the letter again, and then to the door. Let's see how much Brendan had accepted that he was gay...


	4. Chapter Four

**Chapter Four **

Running around the dark, moonlit streets of Hollyoaks, Ste had never felt more alone and apprehensive in his life. He'd come to the realisation he loved Brendan, he loved him with all his heart and he didn't know how to stop it. He didn't even want to stop it. Brendan meant so much to him that it made him ache inside, longing to be touched by him with his soft hands.

There he was sitting by the bus stop looking more out of place than ever. 'Brendan Brady getting flaming public transport?!' Ste thought to himself, who would have thought you'd see the day? Not Ste that was for sure. Brendan loved his posh cars, showing off his money. Ste remembered that car, the places they drove to in it..the things they did in it...

Ste walked over to Brendan, hands in his pockets once again as it was a very cold November evening.

'Going somewhere?' Ste started the conversation off with possibly the most obvious observation that ever exsisted.

'No, just sitting here with all these bags around me mate.'

Mate. Ste hated that word. He didn't want to be Brendan's mate, he wanted to be more than that. Boyfriend, partner, lover whatever floats your boat, but not a mate. Ste didn't even notice all the bags around Brendan, there must have been six or seven in total.

'Are you leaving Brendan?'

'Yeah, nothing left here for me anymore'

'Of course there is! The club, Cheryl...me'

'You? Steven you hate me. I've seen that look in your eyes, I've seen you with Doug. He hates me too, even my own sister hates me. Why would I want to stay here eh? I'm ruining your life Steven, you can't have a normal life if I stay. I'm forever watching you, I feel like I'm responsible for you, I have to keep you safe. You don't want that, Doug's meant to do that for you. Not me. He's your boyf...fiancé Steven.'

Ste was still shaking his head, he'd actually been doing that throughout Brendan's whole speech, but Brendan had been staring at the ground and hadn't even looked up. 'Well technically he aint'

'What?'

'He's not my boyfriend or my fiancé actually'

'He was up to 4 hours ago..'

'I ended it Brendan. I ended it' He took Brendan's chin in his hand and grabbed his face so that their eyes met eachother. 'For you'

Brendan was speechless and that hardly ever happened.

'I love you too Brendan Brady, I was gonna say that earlier actually but you stormed out my flat.'

'But..'

'I know I said I loved Doug and that I never loved you. I lied in both of those statements actually. Me and Doug we're like close mates, I don't love him like I love you. Please stay, stay with me'

'Steven...'

'You don't even need to say anything, I just don't want you to go. I want you Brendan. I need you. Please don't go.'

'I have to'

'No, no you don't see I've left Doug. I'm single, I don't want to be single. Everybody knows about me and you, and you said you've accepted your gay in your letter'

'I have..'

'What's stopping us then?'

Brendan let out a little grin then. He hardly ever smiled so you knew when you were priviledged enough to see it that it was something worth smiling for. Steven. His Steven, he'd finally got him back'

'Sooooo then.. what happens now?' Ste asked, pretty damn sure what would.

'This' and with that Brendan leant towards Ste, grabbing each side of his face until their mouth collided, tongues thrashing together. The kiss felt like it lasted a lifetime.

'I love you Brendan Brady'

'I love you Steven Hay, what you doing for the next week?'

'Erm nuffin much why?'

'Come with me...can be our first proper holiday as my boyfriend'

'I've got no clothes packed or anything!'

'Suits me' Brendan cheekily answered back, kissing his boyfriend again.

Boyfriend Steven, that was all Brendan wanted in life and he sure as hell got it.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed my fic and it wasn't too crap :)**

**Please review and all that shizzle xx**


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